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I cannot believe that my child is going to be a year old. 11 months ago, on the 20th, he was a blob of goo and fat that was shoved on my chest after 7 hours of labor (woohoo!). Now he’s a screaming, kicking, crawling, cruising, biting, laughing, crying, pooping miniature human who has fears and favorites. Although this journey has been amazing to witness firsthand, there were a few moments where cuddles and cuteness transformed into frustration and horror.
Teething Sucks
Not only for the baby, but for the parents too. Yes I know Lucas is going through a tough time right now. Those new teeth are ripping through flesh causing his mouth to ache and his gums to itch. But those bites of his are much worse than what he is going through. At least, that’s what it feels like. Lucas, like a shark, strikes out of nowhere. We could be sitting on the floor watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and he’ll suddenly chomp down on my forearm, totally catching me off guard. If you think about it, he will make a fine assassin when he’s older. He sits with you and cuddles close and is all cute before pouncing for the kill. Quicker than Ezio’s hidden blade, Lucas is a force to be reckoned with. The creed smiles upon you
Lunchtime sucks,
If Lucas doesn’t like the meal. He developed a habit where he will judge the food before he even tries it. One glance will determine if it’s worthy enough for his mouth palette or deserves the fate of the rejected… splattered on the floor, on his face, on me.. Forgotten and wasted. Specifically, if it’s in a jar, a pouch, or resembles anything infant-like, he will detect it like a hawk and will set up a defense perimeter by waving his arms like a madman and smacking down anything that floats near his lips. There was this one time where I was preparing breakfast for him. I remember that I was in a cheerful mood that particular morning so I wanted to make something different and special. I sliced up a few organic blueberries and tossed them in a food processor with a little bit of bananas and cinnamon. I mixed it with old fashioned oatmeal and placed it on the table near Lucas, who was patiently (lol) waiting for his breakfast. I went back into the kitchen to fetch his sippy cup of water. Little did I know that Lucas hand was near the table cloth. He grasped the edged and pulled everything down. My beautiful oatmeal, splattered under the upside down bowl. That moment cemented into my brain and made me realize that babies, are in fact, terrorists.
Changing Diapers sucks.
There’s no way around it; changing diapers fucking suck. It never gets easier; when they are first born, babies shit pounds of radioactive waste every 25 minutes. As they get older, the content on their diapers get somewhat lighter. But they catch you off guard with the most horrific explosions known to man. There is nothing worse than changing your child’s diaper and realizing that it hit the fan. Literally. All over their back, hair, and even socks (true story). How can something so little shit so much?! Are you human or were you sent to invade my house and shit on everything. Seriously.
Bed/Naptime really sucks.
Babies have it so, so easy. They get fed on demand, bathed, rocked, played with, and they can sleep whenever they want. So why do babies have the biggest meltdowns for absolutely no reason! Lucas is tired. He fusses and rubs his eyes. That’s my cue. I scoop him up and rock him until he is half asleep. I lay him down in his crib. Like the undertaker, he shoots up screaming at me as if I have betrayed his trust and am the worst companion on earth. This one really gets to me because I make sure all of his needs are met before putting him down for a nap/sleep so he really has no reason for acting out. Lucas, you’re screaming because you’re tired. But you refuse to sleep because you feel the need to broadcast how tired you are. The only solution here is going to fucking sleep! You’ll be happier. I’ll be happier. Krillin will be happier. The world will be a better place.
Just chill out, spawn of terror.
Teething Sucks
Not only for the baby, but for the parents too. Yes I know Lucas is going through a tough time right now. Those new teeth are ripping through flesh causing his mouth to ache and his gums to itch. But those bites of his are much worse than what he is going through. At least, that’s what it feels like. Lucas, like a shark, strikes out of nowhere. We could be sitting on the floor watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and he’ll suddenly chomp down on my forearm, totally catching me off guard. If you think about it, he will make a fine assassin when he’s older. He sits with you and cuddles close and is all cute before pouncing for the kill. Quicker than Ezio’s hidden blade, Lucas is a force to be reckoned with. The creed smiles upon you
Lunchtime sucks,
If Lucas doesn’t like the meal. He developed a habit where he will judge the food before he even tries it. One glance will determine if it’s worthy enough for his mouth palette or deserves the fate of the rejected… splattered on the floor, on his face, on me.. Forgotten and wasted. Specifically, if it’s in a jar, a pouch, or resembles anything infant-like, he will detect it like a hawk and will set up a defense perimeter by waving his arms like a madman and smacking down anything that floats near his lips. There was this one time where I was preparing breakfast for him. I remember that I was in a cheerful mood that particular morning so I wanted to make something different and special. I sliced up a few organic blueberries and tossed them in a food processor with a little bit of bananas and cinnamon. I mixed it with old fashioned oatmeal and placed it on the table near Lucas, who was patiently (lol) waiting for his breakfast. I went back into the kitchen to fetch his sippy cup of water. Little did I know that Lucas hand was near the table cloth. He grasped the edged and pulled everything down. My beautiful oatmeal, splattered under the upside down bowl. That moment cemented into my brain and made me realize that babies, are in fact, terrorists.
Changing Diapers sucks.
There’s no way around it; changing diapers fucking suck. It never gets easier; when they are first born, babies shit pounds of radioactive waste every 25 minutes. As they get older, the content on their diapers get somewhat lighter. But they catch you off guard with the most horrific explosions known to man. There is nothing worse than changing your child’s diaper and realizing that it hit the fan. Literally. All over their back, hair, and even socks (true story). How can something so little shit so much?! Are you human or were you sent to invade my house and shit on everything. Seriously.
Bed/Naptime really sucks.
Babies have it so, so easy. They get fed on demand, bathed, rocked, played with, and they can sleep whenever they want. So why do babies have the biggest meltdowns for absolutely no reason! Lucas is tired. He fusses and rubs his eyes. That’s my cue. I scoop him up and rock him until he is half asleep. I lay him down in his crib. Like the undertaker, he shoots up screaming at me as if I have betrayed his trust and am the worst companion on earth. This one really gets to me because I make sure all of his needs are met before putting him down for a nap/sleep so he really has no reason for acting out. Lucas, you’re screaming because you’re tired. But you refuse to sleep because you feel the need to broadcast how tired you are. The only solution here is going to fucking sleep! You’ll be happier. I’ll be happier. Krillin will be happier. The world will be a better place.
Just chill out, spawn of terror.